Musings on the Way to Church

Last Sunday, I filled in for a pastor colleague who pastors a church about an hour from here. It was a very beautiful Sunday morning and led to some musings along the way.

One of the first things that popped into mind had to do with this space between calls. After I left my last church, I was wounded emotionally and spiritually and felt so much alone. It was an incredibly difficult ending and it seemed to me that there had to be something wrong with me and how I'd pastored the church. I'd felt abandoned by pretty much everyone (even though I had a place to go and friends online to help with the transition). About the only positive thing I had to carry with me was the General Presbyter's comment that I "hadn't done anything wrong", along with an admonition to get out of town as quickly as possible because he was concerned for my safety.

I truly needed the almost 13 months between ending one call and starting the next. During that time, except for weekends when I was 'candidating' for my next position, I didn't do any pulpit supply and certainly wasn't in any frame of mind to consider it, even though the income would have been helpful. The hurt was just too great.

This time, the hurt is there, but it's a completely different kind of hurt. There's a loss this time that is kind of dificult to explain. There is a letting go of relationships that is much different from the last time. How do you balance the relationships and concerns from over 5 years together with the distance which needs to happen so we can each move forward - the members to finding new church homes and pastors and me to a new call? It's definitely a new experience.

As you can tell by the fact that I was driving to preach for someone so soon after the church closed, I am doing much better this time around. My head and heart are both just about ready to be at that new place God is calling me to. The selfish part of me wants to know right now, so I can make some plans for a real vacation, knowing where I'll be in the future while taking a semi-stress-free break.

And, then I saw the sign. "If anyone can, *name of auto dealership* can!" OK. The two don't really go together, but this was some wool-gathering while driving. The brain went directly to "Well, duh!" If anyone can do it, I can do it, right? Why do I need someone to do for me something that anyone can do? Now if it had said, "If no one else can, *dealership* can!", then I might have been impressed.

A little further down the road was a sign for 'yard eggs'. I hadn't heard the term 'yard eggs' in years. When I used to visit my grandparents on their farm, grandma had chickens and every morning she'd go out and pick up the eggs they'd laid. She had a chicken coop and the chickens mostly laid their eggs in the prepared nests in the coop, but sometimes, they laid their eggs out in the yard. Then you had to hunt to make certain none of them were just laying around rotting. I'm not a farm girl by any stretch of the imagination and I'm not even particularly fond of eggs either, but it was fun remembering that day and time.

And, then I got to the church and worshipped with a fine group of people and came back home to a quiet afternoon. I haven't the foggiest of what God has in store for me in the future, but I trust that I will be ready for it when the time comes.