Tears

I've gotten really good at it over the years. At first, just the intro would get me and the tears would flow. In time, it was the refrain that would tip me over the edge. A few more years and I could sing that song from start to finish without a glisten in my eye or a catch in my throat.

That is, until today.

The sermon was on the call of the prophet Samuel, the disciple Nathanael, the civil rights leader the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr, and each and every one of us. There was Christ's reminder of "Don't worry. I'm always with you."

My little and dwindling flock once again heard the words of the little boy Samuel responding to what he thought was chief priest Eli's voice, "Here I am!" Once again, they heard the words that it doesn't matter how big or small you are, how ineffective you may feel, God calls each one of you!

Then I had to go and choose THAT song - Here I Am, Lord!

I didn't think twice about it. For at least the last 8 years I've been able to sing it with no problems. While it wasn't truly just "a song", it didn't punch me in the gut like it used to.

Until today.

I managed to start strong and make it through most of the first verse, but then my voice began to catch in my throat and there was a quaver in the words I was able to sing. As we continued on, it became harder and harder to sing, and by the last verse, I simply stood there with tears in my eyes, reading the words, while the congregation continued singing. In fact, I'm tearing up right now, remembering it.

It is the song of my call. The song that grabbed me by the ears and shook me. The song that accompanied my writing the words 'attend seminary' in itsy-bitsy handwriting, almost microscopic in size.

"Here I am, Lord! I will go, Lord, if you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart."

That's what I'm doing right now. Holding the people of this dying, resurrecting congregation in my heart ... and it hurts. I'd somehow forgotten that that's what following Jesus may mean. Following led to a cross and crown of thorns for Jesus. While we may not ourselves have such an ending, to truly follow Jesus means letting people and their situations touch your very heart.

It may also mean going. That's what I'm preparing to do as we wind down our ministry together. I won't be here as what's left of this congregation graduates, gets married, has children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren, retires, and dies. I think today's the first time I really realized that's what this time of ending means for me. And so, the tears.

Yet, my heart knows that I am not alone, and that God has called me to follow. It still doesn't stop the tears - tears honoring a ministry together that is coming to an end. Perhaps those tears are a gift of one soul to another.

I think it will be a while yet before I'm able to sing THAT song again without choking up and tears coming to my eyes.

It is indeed a fitting tribute to a congregation whose hearts heard God's call so many years ago, and continues to respond with "Here I am, Lord! Send me."